Here’s another article I wrote for Austin Monthly Home. This one wasn’t published, but I thought it would be fun to share.
I am admittedly a creepy home lurker. I absolutely love creeping around people’s homes, in particular homes of strangers. You know, when you are invited to a party by a friend of a friend at a place you’ve never been, owned by someone you don’t know. You can get such a feel for a person not so much by the type of home they own or the neighborhood they live in, but
more so by their choice of furnishings, wall hangings, pictures, knick knacks and creature comforts.
I know what you’re already thinking. “Hey, don’t you judge me. How dare you come into my home and judge me?” One, you don’t know I’m doing it. Two, if you dislike me for what I’m about to share with you, aren’t you in fact, judging me? Let’s just call it even and assume that I’m not talking about you, o.k?
Here’s what I’ve noticed. There is a definite consistency of people who DO and DON’T do certain things. The people who DO, love it and those who DON’T, would never do it. Here’s what I’m talking about;
you’re either a bluebonnet person or your not. I am probably starting off with the most sensitive one, because putting a picture of your kids in the bluebonnets in a longstanding Texas tradition. I have a 4 year old and I constantly get asked if we have a picture of her in the bluebonnets. When I say we don’t, they look at me as if we have chosen not to immunize
her or decided that it would not be necessary to teach her the alphabet. I have nothing against bluebonnet people although I question your judgement to let our kids play in traffic along highway 71 amidst buzzed boaters who have spent the day on the highland lakes. Not to mention that a flourishing section of bluebonnets or Indian paintbrush gets so overrun it looks like English soccer fans have been trampling through it after a loss to Germany. As a general rule, if you’re behind will cover more than a 30-50 count of bluebonnets, just have them in the background. No sitting. Babies and toddlers are o.k., but no need to plop dear old dad or grandma down with the kids. There’s nothing cute about seeing Bob from the accounting department parking his Dockers amid flowers and after a certain age, there’s just no reason to sit directly on the ground ever again. It’s not very graceful to watch the elderly sit and it’s appears painful and violent, getting up. Besides, hips are fragile and we all only get one
set. Grandma can wait in the car just inches from the 80mph passersby.
You’re either a “get my dog professionally photographed” person or you’re not. I didn’t intend to tell you which side of these things I was on, but I already goofed up on the bluebonnet thing and I really, really have a hard time getting my brain around this fact; some people make a phone call to Sears, make an appointment, bathe and brush their dogs, load them in the car, drive to Sears (probably talking baby talk to them the whole way), park the car,
get their dog out, walk with them past customers leaving with vacuums, washers, dryers, fridges and jeans that look like they will never fade, go into the store with their pet, sign in, wait in the lobby, jump up when they call your name (or do they call your dogs name?), go into the studio,
lift their dogs onto a pedestal, stand behind a photographer and mash a squeaky toy, repeat things like “Here sugar booger” or “Zeus. Squirrel” trying to get and expression that really captures your dogs personality, then anxiously wait 6-8 weeks for my photo assortment to distribute to friends and family. That, to me, is just plain hard to get my brain around.
I’ve seen two versions of this I couldn’t believe. One things I’ve seen is a dog in a wedding party. That’s just plain sad, even if Trixy was the ring bearer. The other one was a visually impaired person who had a photo portrait of their seeing eye dog. I’m always on the lookout for new forms of irony and this was one of the finest examples I have ever seen. If a blind person wants a lifelong reminder of their former companion, I would assume a tuft of hair or saving the tail would suffice.
I’m not even going to address the cat people. They are just lonely and weird enough; I would expect the above behavior.
You’re a decorative flag hanging off the front of your house person or you’re not.
This is something I found to be very prevalent in both Dallas and Houston. With increasing numbers of people moving to the Austin area from these towns it only makes sense that flag people are on the rise in Austin. How do you choose a flag? Where do you get them? How do you decide between traditional flag shape or go the fish angle that really catches the wind?
Are these an expression of you and your family or am I just over-thinking this? Am I coming across as really mean here?
I think I have always just had odd, biased feelings against this sort of thing ever since my stepfather had me help him hang his custom ordered and mounted “family crest”. He didn’t think it was very funny when I asked him if we wouldst be digging a moat about the house come fortnight.
You either have an entry floor mat with a greeting on your doorstep or you do not. “Mi Casa su Casa”, “Bless this house”, “Welcome Friends”, you’ve seen them all. “Our Humble Abode”, “Oprah gave me this house”, there are millions of them. I don’t particulary see the need for a message when people us it to wipe off their feet. I must admit, however, that I chuckleda bit once when I saw one that said “Ring the bell, win a dog.”
So I have this theory. People either fall into the do or don’t category on all of these things. If fact, I would guess that if you are a “Do” on one of them, you are a “DO” on all of them. I can’t explain why I suspect this. I just have a hunch. I, in no way whatsoever, have any ill feelings towards
these things. In fact, these are little slices of Americana that I love very much. I just have always been fascinated by the difference people who are able to break other people down into just two categories and those who can’t.