October is almost over. It’s hard to believe. I thought I would share with you my article that ran in the Oct issue of Rare Magazine. Why aren’t you subscribing? You will want this magazine sent to your home. I promise. You can also pick it up at some of your finer stores around town. Here’s what I had to say about what a great year 2008 will be:
You are going to love 2008. I have hereby, by the power vested in me, declared 2008 the Year of the Fatty! Rejoice.
I just left Whole Foods with a cart full of $400 worth of vitamins and powders that are supposed to make me glow like Mathew McCaughnehey. I was bombarded with millions of suggestions for healthy living, row after row. What did I end up with, bananas that were green when I picked them up, yellow by the time I got to the breads and brown by the time I got home. This organic, healthy living is a bunch of crap. Have you ever gotten help in the vitamin section? The person working there is not exactly the picture of health, at least not what I’m hoping to get out of that bottle. I don’t care if your outfit is made of hemp, it looks like it was hand knitted in a dark closet by the spastic Idol winner, Taylor Hicks. Even as I try to leave the store, I’m bombarded by magazines telling me to look, feel and poop better. I bought into all of this for the last 5 years and here’s what it’s done for me. I’ve lost 50 lbs and you could argue that I look better, but certainly not much better. When I was a delicious fatty, I had more fun, had a ton more free time and got more nookie. What is the point of all this? I am encouraging all Americans from this point forward to embrace our chubbiness. It’s who we are and we should be proud of it. Americans are always going to be fat just as the French and always going to be rude and Thailand will be full of oddly sexy he/she’s.
Think about it. Why do we need to be healthier and fitter? So that we can feel better doing physical activity? … that doesn’t make much sense. Eliminate the physical activity and start feeling better immediately. Here’s a true story. About 9 years ago, I bought a bike and decided I was going to get into shape. I met a guy named John who was into bike racing and we became friends. Since then I have been striving to be the level of bike racer equivalent to John. It’s been absolute torture. Sure I’ve lost weight and could arguably say I’m doing better. But the amount of pain and suffering I feel training on the bike far outweighs the amount of pain and suffering I used to feel smoking cigars, drinking Crown and just hanging out, being obese. You decide. Which is worse, suffering during physical fitness or when inactive. I can assure you, that getting winded walking from the parking lot into Long John Silvers is far less excruciating than the daily training needed to be a mediocre bike racer that hasn’t won a race EVER. John and I have an ongoing joke that if I hadn’t chosen bike race and instead, would have chosen to learn to play bass guitar, by now I would have had 15 hours a week over 9 years of practice. I would undoubtedly be known around Austin as one of the best bass players in town. John wonders what the point would be in being a great bass player if you are 400 lbs. The point is, I would be in a kick ass band. Everyone knows that a musician gets more nookie than some asshat that came in 38th in a bike race. The whole point of getting in shape was really to get more nookie, and statistically, it didn’t add up. Bring back the luv handles. My wife claims to have never noticed my 50 lbs weight fluctuations. If love is blind, bring on the Blue Bell.
If you are not going to get more lovin’, there must be some advantage to being thin. I couldn’t think of one, except maybe to live longer. Think about it. Do you really want to live to be 110? My theory is that if you can’t accomplish anything significant in your life by the time you are 50, you are not very likely to knock it out given another 50 years.
I could only think of three different people who want us to live longer. These are people that prey on the elderly. The owners of Luby’s Cafeteria and the makers of Depends and Rascal Scooters. Staying healthy our whole lives is a bad idea. The only people I can think of that wanted to live forever were the entire cast of “Fame”. Sure, impromptu dancing on cars is fun, I don’t know if you have seen Irene Cara lately, but she looks more like Mr. Miyagi than someone capable of doing The Electric Slide on a Chrysler Sebring.
We say that we want to live longer for our children and grandchildren. Wrong. They can’t wait for us to kick the bucket and cash in. We’ll be bragging that we were capable of climbing Mt. Bonnell with them and they are secretly wishing we would fall off the edge so they can get some cash and move into our house. The days of inheriting money while you are still young are long gone. Statistically, by the time your healthy living parents live to be 100, you’ll be well into your 70’s when it’s time to cash in. Don’t do that to your kids. Do them a favor and kick it when your 60 while your shoveling down an Awesome Blossom at Chili’s.
Here’s another reason to balloon up. President Bush’s popularity is on the decline and he runs a 6:30 mile. Michael Moore’s popularity is on the rise, he’s on the Wall of Flame for eating 630 hot wings. What do you want to do, be the fast guy in Crawford, Tx or get the free T-shirt from Pluckers?
If I can be popular without being thin, I am a true champion. That’s more to be proud of than that stupid medal you got for paying to run a marathon. What did you really get out of that, some orange slices and bloody nipples? I hope some large people are reading this and laughing. Those healthy people that are constantly “down dogging” on their stinky yoga mats are the biggest bunch of complainers ever. My wife and I are surrounded by fit friends. They all wine like old people. They always have some sort of ailment or aching part of their body that was caused by the very activity that was supposed to make them feel better. I know this, because as we speak my foot is on ice with tendonitis….from running. In an effort to achieve maximum fitness, I have spent a fortune on personal training, gym memberships, vitamins, blood tests, allergy tests and workout gear. I honestly spend enough annually that I could afford a boat on Lake Austin that is going to bring be far more pleasure than visible ribs.
Trust me. In your quest for a fit life, you are going to end up in the doctors office with a litany of complaints. As soon as a handful of good doctors start poking and prodding you all you are going to get are a lot of bills and find out a dozen things that are wrong with you. Here I’ll save you the time. “Your _____ is not function as well as it should, looks like we will need more ______ testing and to possibly remove your ______.” There, I just saved you about $8,000, go buy yourself a hot tub.
Why live longer, I’ve already watched 23 seasons of The Real World, do I really need another 57? 2008 is the year we show the world what America is all about. Throw away your New Balance and meet me at Huts Hamburgers for a Shiner Bock Ice Cream Float. Behold! The Year of the Fatty!