It’s official. Elin Nordegren and Tiger “I’m really horny” Woods are divorced. So ladies… if you felt left out because you were the only one Tiger didn’t have an affair with, now is your chance.

As my millions of readers well know, I too had an affair with “Woody” (my secret nickname for him). You can read about it here in case you missed it. But now I’m glad to know more women will no doubt be able to experience “The Woody” like I did.

Elin and Woody released a joint statement via their bloodsucking lawyers stating, “We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.” Uh, right. I have it from an extremely unreliable source that Swedish-born Elin has told her friends in her native tongue, “Jag är så glad att jag inte behöver göra korvmackor med crusts avskuren för den mannen längre.” Loosely translated it means, “I’m so glad I don’t have to make bologna sandwiches with the crusts cut off for that man anymore.”

As he and I were once lovers, I don’t feel comfortable judging Woody but you have to admit there is something wrong with a man who is not satisfied with a hot, loving blonde from Sweden. C’mon… seriously!

Erin, call me. And don’t worry… I hate bologna sandwiches but love Swedish meatballs.


Today I was skimming through my various web resources looking for interesting news and came across an article by ChristWire[d0t]org. By the way,  the tag line for ChristWire[d0t]org  is “Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.” Gulp.

The title of the article is “Is My Husband GAY?” and lists what ChristWire[d0t]org considers to be the definitive, 15 tell-tale signs that your player is swinging his bat for the other team.

I should point out I’m not gay and I’m not married nor have anything against either demographic. I just found the headline hilarious and was assuming I’d find the content to be similar to comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s bit, “You Might Be a Redneck if…” But I must say I was relieved to know that wearing a paper bag on your head didn’t make their Is-My-Husband-GAY list.

I’m not sure if the good folks at ChristWire[d0t]org are serious about the findings of their gay-lifestyle research listed in “Is My Husband GAY?” but I’ll let you be the judge.  I must warn you that if cell phones, alcohol or gym memberships are part of your marriage, you could be in trouble.

In any event, may you have a long and happy marriage.

Well, once again it’s Friday the 13^th which can only mean one thing… time to have sex in spooky places while you wait for a visit from your local, friendly serial killer – the basic premise of all Friday the 13^th movies.

Did you know there are a total of twelve Friday the 13^th movies (see list below)? I surely didn’t. I do find it curious that they never made a thirteenth Friday the 13^th movie.  Maybe they thought it would be bad luck to make a thirteenth crappy movie.  Or maybe moviegoers finally got tired of watching horny lovers get chopped into pieces by a machete just before, during or after a hot sex scene.

Sex with me is a scary enough proposition so I don’t need to compound the horrible and sometimes pathetically funny act by getting my groove on in spooky places. As such, I obviously don’t understand the method behind the writing of successful horror movies.  Maybe if Megan Fox called me and told me to meet her at midnight on Friday the 13^th at a dirty old log cabin in a semi-deserted summer camp in Alabama, I might consider it.  Hey… there’s your 13^th Friday the 13^th movie scenario! Megan, call me!

1. Friday the 13th (1980)

2. Friday the 13th Part 2

3. Friday the 13th Part III

4. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

5. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning

6. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives

7. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

8. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

9. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

10. Jason X

11. Freddy vs. Jason

12. Friday the 13th (2009)

American Idol is in Austin for it’s Season 10 auditions. Oh I can’t wait to hear the next musical prodigy to come from the Idol loins. After all, we depend on AI to bring us such musical geniuses as Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken and Adam Lambert. Oh wait! Adam Lambert didn’t win on season 8… Kris Allen did.  So why do we still have to listen to an Idol loser?

Anyway, out of sheer boredom and because I’m easily entertained, I took a trip to the Frank Erwin Center where would-be contestants have been lining up for audition wristbands for their chance at stardom.  Here are the top ten things I overheard while in line.

10. Is this the line for Longhorn cheerleader tryouts?

9. Will you hold my place in line? I have to pee.

8. No I won’t hold your place! Just pee in line like I do.

7. Why does the Frank Erwin Center smell so bad?

6. My favorite AI winner of all time is Kelly Clarkson. I hope I become just as famous and just as fat as she is.

5. Is this the line for American Idol judges tryouts?

4. I’m gay so I know I’m going to win.

3. That’s right… I won season 3 but since my career didn’t go anywhere, I decided to try out again.

2. So is the “Pants On The Ground” guy dead or not? 

1. Hey everyone look… my pants are on the ground and I’m peeing in line. Weeeeeeee!

This oil spill meter indicates the amount of oil spewing into the Gulf since April. Smart people have been trying to figure out how to plug the hole since the disaster started (certainly not before) but I have an idea that just might work. Why not stuff the hole with BP executives and prison inmates? There has got to be a lot of them and if we start with the chubbier ones I’m sure the plan would work.

Now, I’m not completely heartless. We’d send the criminals down with enough oxygen until the hole is plugged or until a fresh batch of BP executives or prison inmates could be sent to relieve those dutifully lodged in the hole.

Since Washington has not helped facilitate a solution, I think they’d be all ears for this brilliant plan. All I need is for 5,000 people to reply to this blog giving a “two thumbs up” and I can formally submit a petition to congress.

C’mon people! Are you with me? Besides, it’s getting pretty boring watching the oil spill webcam and would be far more entertaining watching my plan being put into action.

No pun intended but I think my idea is pretty slick. What do you think?

I just got my new Apple iPad and boy is it sexy. The iPad, and Apple products in general, are a lot like hookers – they both do really cool, useless tricks for a lot of money.

The iPad now comes in a variety of hard drive sizes.  The smaller size or what Apple calls its miniPad comes with only 16GB of storage. Too small.  I wanted the iPad that has the biggest bang for the buck and that holds the most absorbing content so I went with the maxiPad – a whopping 64GB to easily handle those heavy computing days.

I love my little maxiPad and I take it with me wherever I go.  Using my maxiPad gives me the confidence I need while horseback riding, swimming and playing volleyball in my bikini.  And with my maxiPad I never have to worry about experiencing any nasty computing accidents while wearing my white hot pants in the summer.

Some are critical of my maxiPad and say mean things like, “you can’t even make a phone call with it!” Big deal. If I wanted to make a call I’d just use my iPhone which I also carry with me, along with my iTouch for listening to music while using my maxiPad since you can’t run multiple apps on the maxiPad.  Throw in my Apple notebook and I have everything I need to do useless crap all day and all night. Oh yeah!

I am a bit disappointed that my maxiPad doesn’t explode like my iBomb but oh well.  Can’t have it all.

So if you’ve been thinking about getting an iPad and you’re stupid like me,I say go for it.

I love my maxiPad and although I’ve only had it for a couple days now, I’d be lost without it.  Thank you Apple.

Being a guru, I sure meet some very interesting albeit spiritually depraved people. And they come out of the wood work like zombies from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” except in a good way but they usually can’t dance.

Take for example a group of people who came to see me at one of my many sermons I now give atop of Austin’s Mount Bonnell. This particular group of people all had one thing in common – they were all delusional to the point of making up stories about how they saved the world by inventing buggy software. Oh, yes. And they also had all filmed commercials touting the greatness of the Microsoft Windows 7 operating system.

You’ve probably seen these people in commercials promoting the new Windows 7 OS, where good looking actors portray otherwise chubby, butt-ugly actors in re-enactments of moments when they first invented amazingly useful software features like computers not crashing when you, well, use them.

My favorite one is the nerdy hot chick with glasses who invented the one-touch button that erases all the Albanian porn you have on your computer – apparently a useful feature when you’re being targeted by the Albanian ATF for unlawful possession of pornography depicting adults wearing nothing more than funny hats and skirts.

Well, today is St. Patrick’s day and I for one need no excuse to drink. In fact, I’ve been drinking and kissing the Blarney Stone since 10am this morning and I must admit I’m writing this blog with one eye open so as to keep the room from spinning. We’ll see how long that works.

So I hit some pubs in downtown Austin, including a couple of Irish pubs where I found plenty of party goers more schnockered (“steamboats” as some Irish say) than I was, am. While skipping around town, some friends and I bumped into a couple of women from Dublin in town for SXSW who were drinking in a pub I shall not name for legal reasons. One of the “young wans” (young ladies) was named Katherine and she swore like an Irish sailor. I had a chat with her and her friends helped interpret her Irish slang. Interpretations are in brackets [...].

UB: So are you ladies having a great St Patty’s Day?

Katherine: I’m completely steamboats and acting the maggot. [I'm seriously inebriated and not behaving in a serious manner]

UB: Ah, cool. So it’s just like any other day for you, eh?

Katherine: Ah… Ballsch! Shut your pie hole. Don’t be a Chancer. [Rubbish. Shut your mouth and don't push your luck]

UB: Oh, I’m just kidding. I love a woman who takes a drink or two.

Katherine: Oh relax the cacks. I’m not going to give you a clatter and you’re lucky I’m a bit horned up. [Calm down. I'm not going to punch you and you're lucky I'm a bit aroused]

Katherine: What poof juice you drinking? Give me some snots and I’ll get us some real drinks. [What beverage (not Guinness or beer based) are you drinking? Give me some money and I'll get us some real drinks so you can have your way with me]

UB: Uh… OK. Here’s some “snots.” Get us something manly.

Katherine: Ahhhh… you know I’m not no mingin’ molly so stay right here. [You know I'm not a girl displeasing to the eye so stay here and I'll make you regret you ever met me]

I’m updating this via my iPhone so I’ll let you know how my time with some real “mingin’ mollies” turns out.

Happy St. Pats!

Thousands of my fans have wanted to know how my path to enlightenment is going. All will be happy to know I’ve continued in my quest to help others achieve enlightenment and benefit from my new found wisdom.

To date I’ve helped dozens of people journey down their spiritual path, including an Albanian, circus family suffering from excessive facial and body hair – a condition known as Albanian werewolf syndrome.

So what have I learned so far?

I’ve found the key ingredients for enlightenment are meditation, tai chi and a higher than normal intake of alcohol.

You wouldn’t think alcohol would be part of your journey to Nirvana but it’s true. I’ve specifically found it helpful if you drink seven glasses of wine just before you take a shower. Then proceed to focus all your energy on cleaning parts or your body that have probably not been touched in years and in a manner that is assuredly illegal in most southern states.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Of course, do not attempt this if you are underage or a recovering alcoholic. In which case I’d recommend substituting the 7 glasses of wine with a banana peal cigarette instead. Because we all know smoking a banana peal is organic and “organic” is good.

Actually, you shouldn’t attempt any of this until you’ve completed my new, home-study course, “30 Days to Enlightenment with a Really Good Buzz.” Available at all Walmarts and liquor stores.

Warning: the aforementioned prescription for enlightenment may cause side effects including liver problems, hangovers, nausea and vomiting. Consult your doctor before proceeding. Other side affects may occur so tell your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than four hours, particularly if you are a woman.

Believe it or not, these days some people think I’m a spiritual guru. Guess all those years I hung out at the prison chapel paid off.

Lately friends and strangers come up to me and touch me like they want to be healed or something. Some, out of the blue, will give me presents like food or clothing. At first I thought it was because they thought I was homeless or something but when I asked this one female stranger why she was trying to give me her bra, she replied, “You have this spiritual aura that makes me want to give myself to you and… here…take my panties as well.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I’m just a regular guy but I do have a rule to never interrupt a woman while she’s taking off her clothes.

It all started about a couple of days ago when I accidentally electrocuted myself while trying to set a trap for my neighbor’s yappy dogs. By the way and before you call the SPCA, my previous posts regarding said yappy dogs may shed some light on the subject.

Anyway, the accident must have somehow rewired my brain or soul because now I have this clarity I’ve never had before. One really cool thing is that when I open my mouth and tilt my head just right, I can pick up Mix 94.7 in my head, no radio required.

So from time to time I’ll share words of wisdom that I’m certain will help you to achieve enlightenment. If nothing else, I can teach you how to hypnotize people and make them do silly things like sing like Ethel Merman.